I have just returned from a Roman holiday, well, a Tuscan holiday to be more precise, although I did technically land in Rome...but I digress. This story begins the night before l left for Italy. As fate would have it, my flight, which was meant to depart earlier that day, had been cancelled and I was delayed for 24-hours. Remembering that I had been invited to a Great Gatsby party I was not overly dismayed. Rapidly I donned by best 1930s flapper costume, called a group of friends and we shimmied our way down to the house over on Point Grey Road.
The evening, full of champagne and under-cooked barbeque, was also replete with handsome men in navy blazers and wonderfully vintage chapeaus. Long dangling pearls and stiletto heels complemented the decadent tone of the soiree and before I knew what was happening I was deep in conversation in Spanish, French and English, all with the same man. With a lovely French accent, Pierre de la Compagne stood tall and strong at 6'4''. In his white cap and v-neck cream coloured cashmere sweater, he looked like Gatsby himself. As our conversation progressed, I found my mind becoming more and more intrigued by who this gentleman was. Without thinking, and after having imbibed one too many cocktails, I heard myself casually invite him to meet me in Tuscany for the weekend. Almost as if on cue and without missing a beat Pierre responded that he would be delighted. I mentioned that although I did not have a business card with me, he could easily Google search "social clubs in Vancouver" which would lead to Campoverde, which would of course lead directly to me. I did not believe for a moment that he would remember these instructions or take me seriously about the invitation.
But just to be certain, when I arrived in the medieval city of Siena the following day, the first thing I did was check my e-mail. And there it was. Pierre's itinerary for arrival o Siena, in black and white. My heart skipped a beat. "What have I done?!" came the voice in my head, screaming. All of the doubts of inviting a perfect stranger half-way aournd the world came rushing in. "What if he is horrible? You don't even know anything about him. You don't even remember what he looks like! He must be a complete lunatic to travel so far for two-days!" The voice just would not let up. Then came the other voice, the more dangerous of the two. What if he is your perfect match? The love of your life? Maybe he is the man of your dreams. He speaks the same languages you do, loves to travel, is spontaneous, clearly successful. He must be for you!" By the time I reached my hotel room my head was spinning. Then came a knock at the door.
"Rachel?" came my friend James's voice from the other side of the thick wood. James bounced in, full of news of plans and adventures we were about to embark upon. He exclaimed, "I have terrific news! My friend is going to join us for the weekend" to which I countered, "Funny that. A friend of mine is going to come along as well." When he saw the twinkle in my eye he knew something was up. "Do tell!" I didn't have much to share. "Oh, just this fellow I met yesterday at a party in Vancouver" I smiled. James started to laugh. "Well, we are moving to a small farmhouse in the middle of nowhere in Tuscany. If this gent manages to locate you, he passes the first test."
For the next two days my emotion went from anxious to excited and back. I Google searched Pierre without much luck. Since we didn't have any mutual friends who could send me information I had to console myself by remembering it was only 48-hours to spend together.
Friday arrived, sunny, warm and smelling of possibility. I received a text message: "On my way. Have rented a car in Florence. ETA 90 mins." I decided a good swim in the pool would be bestto calm my nerves. I journaled, tidied the farmhouse, made some fresh coffee, changed outfits about three times, tidied again, fully conscious that over two and a half hours had passed and there was still no sign of Pierre. Off I went to find my phone. "1 New Message" the screen read. "Am lost in Tuscany. Have now purchased road map. ETA 30 mins." My stomach tightened. Maybe this is a sign. Perhaps this was a very bad idea after all. Maybe I have seen too many movies, read too much Jane Austen. Am I daft?
As I sat chastising myself and looking out over the vineyards, I heard the distinct sound of rubber tires on pebbles. A car was descending the long gravel road from the main highway. "Right then, here we go" I said, bracing myself for the worst as I stood on my high-fashioned, wedged heeled Italian shoes. I carefully climbed the stone steps to the driveway. As I turned the corne, Pierre was getting outof thecar. Our eyes locked and a huge grin passed from his face over tho mine. He purposefully storde over to where I stood and kissed me lightly on both cheeks. "Fancy meeting you here" he murmured. "Yes, what a delighful surprise" I countered. As I led him down th sopes to the farmhouse entrance under the warm Tuscan sun surrounded by vineyards a wonderful sense of peace and happiness washed over me. James poked his head out the door and said to us, "Welcome home! Coffee?"
Saturday, June 23, 2007
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Get Down And Dirty: Talk To Strangers
I have been writing this column for nearly two-years now. In this time there is one question that people have ceaselessly asked me. This is: Why is it so difficult to meet people in Vancouver?". Now, when they say "meet people", some of the bewildered literally mean getting someone on the street to respond to your courteous "hello". Others refer to the challenge of forming a friendship out of a chance encounter at the grocery store. The rest tend to intimate they would like tips on how to find someone special. I am loathe to admit this to you but after years of probing the issue I still have not come up with an adequate answer that will put this issue to bed and resolve the conundrum.
What I can tell you is that this inability to connect with people whom we meet outside of the confines of our homes has resulted in a skewed, strange reality in how we meet people. A couple of examples:
1. When I first returned to Vancouver from London, England a few years ago I went to a local coffee shop. Spying a table of a group of people in their 30s, I approached and asked if an unoccupied seat was taken. The two men and two women paused and in their Vancouver "polite" voices replied, "no, go ahead" motioning that I could help myself to the seat. When I sat down instead of removing the chair to another, separate, table and nestled myself between the two men, they didn't know where to hang themselves.
2. A fellow business networker whom I bumped into at a breakfast meeting revealed that his girlfriend of two years had recently met someone on line from Caribbean and was moving out to live with him. Apparently his gal could not understand why her now ex-boyfriend was surprised. After all, their relationship had some issues and this new one was "perfect".
My point being, human contact and real life connection has begun to scare us. We don’t like strangers to get too close. Saying hello in a grocery store is acceptable but don’t expect to be invited in to dinner sort of thing. Once we have made contact with someone we don’t already know we don't want to work at the new relationship and relationships, no matter what kind we are talking about, take work. When we encounter someone new and they probe too deeply, we question their motives for wanting to befriend us believing them to be desperate or selling something or, heaven forbid, HITTING ON US.
Wouldn't it be great if we could give people a chance to show us who they are before we started judging the situation? How about being open to the people around us, without hiding behind our computer terminals and resorting to Lava Life to expand our social circles? Life is happening outside of our homes, not in the movies or on-line. Let's go out and play! Get your hands dirty and let me know how it goes.
What I can tell you is that this inability to connect with people whom we meet outside of the confines of our homes has resulted in a skewed, strange reality in how we meet people. A couple of examples:
1. When I first returned to Vancouver from London, England a few years ago I went to a local coffee shop. Spying a table of a group of people in their 30s, I approached and asked if an unoccupied seat was taken. The two men and two women paused and in their Vancouver "polite" voices replied, "no, go ahead" motioning that I could help myself to the seat. When I sat down instead of removing the chair to another, separate, table and nestled myself between the two men, they didn't know where to hang themselves.
2. A fellow business networker whom I bumped into at a breakfast meeting revealed that his girlfriend of two years had recently met someone on line from Caribbean and was moving out to live with him. Apparently his gal could not understand why her now ex-boyfriend was surprised. After all, their relationship had some issues and this new one was "perfect".
My point being, human contact and real life connection has begun to scare us. We don’t like strangers to get too close. Saying hello in a grocery store is acceptable but don’t expect to be invited in to dinner sort of thing. Once we have made contact with someone we don’t already know we don't want to work at the new relationship and relationships, no matter what kind we are talking about, take work. When we encounter someone new and they probe too deeply, we question their motives for wanting to befriend us believing them to be desperate or selling something or, heaven forbid, HITTING ON US.
Wouldn't it be great if we could give people a chance to show us who they are before we started judging the situation? How about being open to the people around us, without hiding behind our computer terminals and resorting to Lava Life to expand our social circles? Life is happening outside of our homes, not in the movies or on-line. Let's go out and play! Get your hands dirty and let me know how it goes.
Wake Up Call: Match Yourself Well
I have discovered the secret to maintaining your self esteem and feeling beautiful whilst in a relationship: match yourself according to your own level. We all know the feeling of getting into a relationship only to find that we don’t feel good about ourselves anymore. Either we begin to feel stupid, or unattractive, or uninteresting. Alternatively, it is sometimes the case that we start to feel a heightened sense of superiority or become disrespectful towards our partner due to their inability to “get it”. They just can’t keep up to us.
Psychological studies prove that ensuring that our mate is our equal is a deeply important part of a healthy relationship. It begins with knowing oneself of course. Rate yourself on a scale of one to ten as regards intelligence, looks, world experience, adventurousness, curiosity, sense of humour, etc. It is challenging to do this objectively but necessary all the same. This is the moment where you must be brutally honest. Then take a look around you at some of the people you find yourself attracted to. See how they fare on the scale.
I find that with men, this situation is usually quite imbalanced. For some reason, men tend to have an optimistic view of their physical appearance. Some of them could use a wake up call. Time and time again I have witnessed somewhat attractive men setting their sites on super-model looking women who are usually half their age. Depending on the size of the man’s pocket-book and the values of the woman in question, sometimes they have luck, but it is generally for the short term and ends with the loss of a small fortune and a bruised ego. Statistics would argue that if the same man were to partner with a woman of his stature who is financially secure, mature, and of average looks, the duo would have a much better chance at making it in the long run.
A sorry example of this was brought to my attention the other day when a friend revealed his most recent horror story of a relationship. Frank is a forty-something, moderately handsome, successful businessman. He drives a new, sparkling sports car and dresses in Versace. He thought he had hit the jackpot the day he met Jzenia. Gorgeous, young, exotic, with a James Bond girl accent, she was a dream come true.
Three months later they were married. Frank had ignored all of the red flags. The fact that nothing he did was good enough, the fact that she returned her engagement ring because the larger one was “so much cuter”. On the honeymoon, Jzenia insisted that they change hotels as The Four Seasons did not serve the breakfast she preferred. Once they had transferred her 20-pieced luggage set to The Hilton and had re-settled in, she threw a tantrum that the view at the previous hotel was superior and insisted they move back. After being belittled and embarrassed one to many times, Frank threw in the towel. Three weeks later they were divorced.
I asked Frank over cocktails one night why he thought this situation had occurred, being that he had already been married twice prior. He responded that he never matched himself up properly. He always went after the sensual, gorgeous, Eastern European type with whom he shared little to nothing in common. Being a fairly straightforward Canadian man, Frank was selecting women he could not really relate to.
This brings us back to my earlier point. If you partner with someone who is fantastic looking and you are not, you are slowly going to feel less and less attractive. However, if your mate is unappealing, you might start to believe you are something special to look at when you are not. The same holds true for intelligence levels. Should you choose to spend your time with someone who is more cerebral than yourself, you will unnecessarily be putting yourself at risk of feeling thick. Whereas if your partner isn’t as quick as you are, you run into the problem of feeling overly gifted in the brains department. The same holds true for athleticism, worldliness, sophistication and so on. If you would like to feel terrific about yourself, find someone who matches your pace step for step. It is always fun to learn new things from our mate, but at the same time, we have to feel like we have the complete package the way we are now. This is the secret to a healthy relationship in which you are always feeling like the best version of yourself!
Psychological studies prove that ensuring that our mate is our equal is a deeply important part of a healthy relationship. It begins with knowing oneself of course. Rate yourself on a scale of one to ten as regards intelligence, looks, world experience, adventurousness, curiosity, sense of humour, etc. It is challenging to do this objectively but necessary all the same. This is the moment where you must be brutally honest. Then take a look around you at some of the people you find yourself attracted to. See how they fare on the scale.
I find that with men, this situation is usually quite imbalanced. For some reason, men tend to have an optimistic view of their physical appearance. Some of them could use a wake up call. Time and time again I have witnessed somewhat attractive men setting their sites on super-model looking women who are usually half their age. Depending on the size of the man’s pocket-book and the values of the woman in question, sometimes they have luck, but it is generally for the short term and ends with the loss of a small fortune and a bruised ego. Statistics would argue that if the same man were to partner with a woman of his stature who is financially secure, mature, and of average looks, the duo would have a much better chance at making it in the long run.
A sorry example of this was brought to my attention the other day when a friend revealed his most recent horror story of a relationship. Frank is a forty-something, moderately handsome, successful businessman. He drives a new, sparkling sports car and dresses in Versace. He thought he had hit the jackpot the day he met Jzenia. Gorgeous, young, exotic, with a James Bond girl accent, she was a dream come true.
Three months later they were married. Frank had ignored all of the red flags. The fact that nothing he did was good enough, the fact that she returned her engagement ring because the larger one was “so much cuter”. On the honeymoon, Jzenia insisted that they change hotels as The Four Seasons did not serve the breakfast she preferred. Once they had transferred her 20-pieced luggage set to The Hilton and had re-settled in, she threw a tantrum that the view at the previous hotel was superior and insisted they move back. After being belittled and embarrassed one to many times, Frank threw in the towel. Three weeks later they were divorced.
I asked Frank over cocktails one night why he thought this situation had occurred, being that he had already been married twice prior. He responded that he never matched himself up properly. He always went after the sensual, gorgeous, Eastern European type with whom he shared little to nothing in common. Being a fairly straightforward Canadian man, Frank was selecting women he could not really relate to.
This brings us back to my earlier point. If you partner with someone who is fantastic looking and you are not, you are slowly going to feel less and less attractive. However, if your mate is unappealing, you might start to believe you are something special to look at when you are not. The same holds true for intelligence levels. Should you choose to spend your time with someone who is more cerebral than yourself, you will unnecessarily be putting yourself at risk of feeling thick. Whereas if your partner isn’t as quick as you are, you run into the problem of feeling overly gifted in the brains department. The same holds true for athleticism, worldliness, sophistication and so on. If you would like to feel terrific about yourself, find someone who matches your pace step for step. It is always fun to learn new things from our mate, but at the same time, we have to feel like we have the complete package the way we are now. This is the secret to a healthy relationship in which you are always feeling like the best version of yourself!
Gardening Tips for Relationships
Love is, above all else, the gift of oneself. Jean Anouilh
Have you ever noticed that many of us expect to be treated exceptionally well in a relationship, but don’t think that we should have to put in much effort? We feel that, in a way, it is owed to us because we are after all our terrific selves. Our partner should be grateful to have the good fortune to be dating us. After the initial surge of excitement has settled down, slowly but surely we make less and less of a big deal of our partner until the downward spiral has taken full effect and we barely mind our Ps and Qs. Before too long both partners are going through the motions, fully aware that something is missing. They don’t know how to find those wonderful, loving feelings anymore.
Few people appreciate the fact that relationships, even the very best ones, especially the very best ones, take a lot of work. The thought of working at work and then working at home is daunting to even the mightiest of souls. It precludes some from getting involved in a long-term partnership because at times, let’s face it, it can be a grind. However, maintaining a profound, deeply supportive relationship can offer rewards which far outweigh the efforts invested.
Many assume that relationships should occur effortlessly, as if by magic. This false belief will only lead to heartache and disappointment. Whether we are speaking of a husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend or simply of a friendship, the importance of a thoughtful word or a kind gesture cannot be overstated. Ensuring that either person is not always relegated to one end of the giving or receiving is critical. Relationships require a fine balancing act, and we must offer them as much attention as we would a delicate high-wire performance. Should we stop focusing on our significant other for too long we would most likely fall off and break something.
Good, straightforward, honest communication is the foundation for a healthy, loving relationship. Be selective of when to “discuss” issues and when to let things slide. Just because you are feeling expressive and ready to emote does not guarantee your partner is in the same head space nor does it ensure they are ready to receive. I find it is best to avoid discussing relationship matters when either person is tired or fatigued. These moments can serve as destructive flashpoints and make a small deal turn into a big one in a matter of seconds.
As time goes on, we often take our partners for granted and under appreciate the many ways in which they add value to our lives. For example, if a complete stranger were to cook you dinner and then wash all of the dishes, how appreciative would you be? You might be so grateful as to write them a thank-you note (or send a small gift the following day if you were very well brought-up). However, from a loved one we come to expect these behaviours and don’t receive these gifts with much fanfare.
Kindness begets kindness. If you find yourself wondering what value you partner adds to your life, imagine the world without them. What feelings would be absent? What would be different? What would your home feel like? We often expend so much energy in areas of our life that don’t give us nearly as good of a return as the return that results from investing in our relationships. Anyone who has experienced loneliness knows how precious love can be. Yet once in a relationship we are often quick to become ungrateful. If you plan on maintaining a loving relationship, roll up your sleeves and do some heavy lifting. It will pay off tenfold.
View your relationship as you would a lovely garden requiring regular water, sunlight and food once in awhile. Grant your relationship the same care and attention a good farmer gives his crops and your relationship will provide for you a beautiful, fulfilling, lasting return.
To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three parts dead. Bertrand Russell
Have you ever noticed that many of us expect to be treated exceptionally well in a relationship, but don’t think that we should have to put in much effort? We feel that, in a way, it is owed to us because we are after all our terrific selves. Our partner should be grateful to have the good fortune to be dating us. After the initial surge of excitement has settled down, slowly but surely we make less and less of a big deal of our partner until the downward spiral has taken full effect and we barely mind our Ps and Qs. Before too long both partners are going through the motions, fully aware that something is missing. They don’t know how to find those wonderful, loving feelings anymore.
Few people appreciate the fact that relationships, even the very best ones, especially the very best ones, take a lot of work. The thought of working at work and then working at home is daunting to even the mightiest of souls. It precludes some from getting involved in a long-term partnership because at times, let’s face it, it can be a grind. However, maintaining a profound, deeply supportive relationship can offer rewards which far outweigh the efforts invested.
Many assume that relationships should occur effortlessly, as if by magic. This false belief will only lead to heartache and disappointment. Whether we are speaking of a husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend or simply of a friendship, the importance of a thoughtful word or a kind gesture cannot be overstated. Ensuring that either person is not always relegated to one end of the giving or receiving is critical. Relationships require a fine balancing act, and we must offer them as much attention as we would a delicate high-wire performance. Should we stop focusing on our significant other for too long we would most likely fall off and break something.
Good, straightforward, honest communication is the foundation for a healthy, loving relationship. Be selective of when to “discuss” issues and when to let things slide. Just because you are feeling expressive and ready to emote does not guarantee your partner is in the same head space nor does it ensure they are ready to receive. I find it is best to avoid discussing relationship matters when either person is tired or fatigued. These moments can serve as destructive flashpoints and make a small deal turn into a big one in a matter of seconds.
As time goes on, we often take our partners for granted and under appreciate the many ways in which they add value to our lives. For example, if a complete stranger were to cook you dinner and then wash all of the dishes, how appreciative would you be? You might be so grateful as to write them a thank-you note (or send a small gift the following day if you were very well brought-up). However, from a loved one we come to expect these behaviours and don’t receive these gifts with much fanfare.
Kindness begets kindness. If you find yourself wondering what value you partner adds to your life, imagine the world without them. What feelings would be absent? What would be different? What would your home feel like? We often expend so much energy in areas of our life that don’t give us nearly as good of a return as the return that results from investing in our relationships. Anyone who has experienced loneliness knows how precious love can be. Yet once in a relationship we are often quick to become ungrateful. If you plan on maintaining a loving relationship, roll up your sleeves and do some heavy lifting. It will pay off tenfold.
View your relationship as you would a lovely garden requiring regular water, sunlight and food once in awhile. Grant your relationship the same care and attention a good farmer gives his crops and your relationship will provide for you a beautiful, fulfilling, lasting return.
To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three parts dead. Bertrand Russell
Stop Waiting, Start Living
Most single people spend their lives waiting to become involved in a relationship in order for their real lives to begin. Watching people languish away in misery until magically, one day, they meet Mr. Right and their life is finally complete is practically the norm in Hollywood cookie-cutters. We have seen it a million times: Mr. Wonderful arrives and suddenly the overweight woman can get into shape, purchase a fantastic wardrobe, drive a fancy car, live in a cozy home, and go out with interesting, worldly friends. Thanks to the fact that they have met their mate, they are finally happy.
Maybe it isn’t the fact that Mr. Perfect isn’t here yet that has you waiting. Maybe you are waiting until you earn more money, get the job you have always coveted, waiting for your career to take off, or for the right apartment to become affordable. Whatever it is that has you waiting, get over it. What if you could start living your life right now? This very moment? What would it look like?
I was talking to a fellow Kitsilano resident the other day. He is a forty-something, successful, good-looking, kind person. He told me that he married the love of his life at 18 years old. They have three perfect children, a perfect home, a perfect summer cottage with a perfect view, and what he thought was a perfect marriage. Only it wasn’t so perfect. Apparently, his wife of 23 years felt that she had been waiting to meet the right person in order to start living, whom she found over the internet.
The point is that nothing is ever perfect. If you are not being true to yourself and your sense of values, you are not really living at all. You are simply waiting.
The solution is that we have to connect to our values. Find out what has meaning to us and start living along the terms dictated by those values. What do you relate to? Is it family, adventure, spirituality, community, love, peace, the quest for learning, giving back? Whatever it is that you hold dear, incorporate it into your daily routine. Honesty, integrity, interdependence, kindness, these are things that when added to your day make your life a pleasure. They make your life feel huge.
A good way to find out what you really care about is to do this brief exercise. If your house was burning down and all people and animals were safe, what is the one thing you would grab on your way out the door? What does that thing represent to you? Personally, I would reach for my guitar. This instrument is my way of creating music, which speaks to my soul and is my way of communicating (aside from writing this column of course).
Another excellent way of discovering what you stand for is by pretending that you have a trunk to fill with things that represent yourself. When the trunk is opened, the items inside will be the only bits and pieces that people have to go on to find out what sort of person you are. What would you place in that trunk?
The happiness of a man in this life does not consist in the absence but in the mastery of his passions. Alfred Lord Tennyson
How do you decide what goes in the trunk?
The first step to getting the things you want out of life is this: Decide what you want. Ben Stein
If, after these exercises, it is still unclear what sort of relationship you have with yourself and you feel a bit lost, you might consider hiring a life coach. Liz Budny was one of the life coaches I interviewed for this column. Just shoot her an e-mail: ebudny2002@yahoo.ca if you need any help.
As Barbara Hall says,
You're alive. Do something. The directive in life, the moral imperative is so uncomplicated. It can be expressed in single words, not complete sentences. It sounds like this: Look. Listen. Choose. Act.
So get out and live. What are you waiting for?
Maybe it isn’t the fact that Mr. Perfect isn’t here yet that has you waiting. Maybe you are waiting until you earn more money, get the job you have always coveted, waiting for your career to take off, or for the right apartment to become affordable. Whatever it is that has you waiting, get over it. What if you could start living your life right now? This very moment? What would it look like?
I was talking to a fellow Kitsilano resident the other day. He is a forty-something, successful, good-looking, kind person. He told me that he married the love of his life at 18 years old. They have three perfect children, a perfect home, a perfect summer cottage with a perfect view, and what he thought was a perfect marriage. Only it wasn’t so perfect. Apparently, his wife of 23 years felt that she had been waiting to meet the right person in order to start living, whom she found over the internet.
The point is that nothing is ever perfect. If you are not being true to yourself and your sense of values, you are not really living at all. You are simply waiting.
The solution is that we have to connect to our values. Find out what has meaning to us and start living along the terms dictated by those values. What do you relate to? Is it family, adventure, spirituality, community, love, peace, the quest for learning, giving back? Whatever it is that you hold dear, incorporate it into your daily routine. Honesty, integrity, interdependence, kindness, these are things that when added to your day make your life a pleasure. They make your life feel huge.
A good way to find out what you really care about is to do this brief exercise. If your house was burning down and all people and animals were safe, what is the one thing you would grab on your way out the door? What does that thing represent to you? Personally, I would reach for my guitar. This instrument is my way of creating music, which speaks to my soul and is my way of communicating (aside from writing this column of course).
Another excellent way of discovering what you stand for is by pretending that you have a trunk to fill with things that represent yourself. When the trunk is opened, the items inside will be the only bits and pieces that people have to go on to find out what sort of person you are. What would you place in that trunk?
The happiness of a man in this life does not consist in the absence but in the mastery of his passions. Alfred Lord Tennyson
How do you decide what goes in the trunk?
The first step to getting the things you want out of life is this: Decide what you want. Ben Stein
If, after these exercises, it is still unclear what sort of relationship you have with yourself and you feel a bit lost, you might consider hiring a life coach. Liz Budny was one of the life coaches I interviewed for this column. Just shoot her an e-mail: ebudny2002@yahoo.ca if you need any help.
As Barbara Hall says,
You're alive. Do something. The directive in life, the moral imperative is so uncomplicated. It can be expressed in single words, not complete sentences. It sounds like this: Look. Listen. Choose. Act.
So get out and live. What are you waiting for?
Revitalizing The Art Of Flirting
Over the past few months, a few conversations at the Campoverde Social Club have turned to the subject of flirting in Vancouver, or the lack thereof. The members, both male and female, have taken a poll and have come to the conclusion that in Vancouver, flirting as a pastime is dead.
In Europe and most of the rest of the civilised world, flirting is considered as normal a part of your day as grocery shopping. My friend Ingrid, an Argentinean woman, used to say that if she walked by a construction site and did not get whistled at she knew she wasn’t dressed sexy enough and would go directly home to change. Ingrid’s point was that it was her job to attract the attention of men. If she wasn’t, there was something very wrong. Then she came to visit me in Vancouver and nearly had a nervous breakdown. Even her shortest mini-skirt and most snugly fitting top was not doing the trick.
Why, you might ask, is this? Why is it that men have taken to ignoring us and that when they do muster the courage to say hello or make a flattering comment we look at them as if they had leprosy? The answer is: sex. Allow me to explain.
Flirting in Vancouver is synonymous with: “I’m interested in you” which loosely translates to “I’d like to take you out”, which inevitably means “I want to sleep with you”. In Spain if a man comments on your beautiful eyes, he is doing just that, whereas here in Vancouver a man commenting on our beauty is made to mean something more. So, following this hypothesis, if a woman were to respond in any positive way, she would then be implying that she is also interested.
When I was living in London, England I was invited to a house party at a friend’s place. Prior to arriving, I stopped at a small, local wine shop in Notting Hill to buy something for the host. A tall, handsome man dressed in a cashmere overcoat caught my eye. He was blonde, about 6’3 and had strong features, just my type. In typical Vancouver fashion, I pretended not to notice him. Going about my business, focusing on the task at hand, I sensed him approaching.
“Miss, might I say that is a lovely hat you are wearing? You are a very beautiful woman and it compliments you greatly”.
Accepting the kind words as gracefully as I could, I thanked him and waited for the pick up line. It never came. I expected at least a more robust conversation would follow. Even a comment about my accent would have been welcome…but nothing happened. By the time I finished selecting my bottle of wine and went to the till to pay, the stranger had vanished.
As the Universe would have it, as soon as I arrived at the party I saw him. Apparently we had mutual friends. He was speaking fluent French to a beautiful brunette investment banker who was dressed to the nines. After a few glasses of Chablis I mustered the courage to query him.
“Excuse me, hello, my name is Rachel Greenfeld and I am the girl you met at the wine shop, sans chapeau.” I managed to smile at the end of it, feeling as thought my legs were about to give way.
“Um, I am just wondering, why didn’t you ask me out?” I continued, taking another long gulp of wine.
“I just wasn’t interested” he replied, in a tone that suggested he was more confused than I was, giving me a curious look.
Strike up another huge life lesson. Actually, make that a couple of lessons. First of all: just because a man finds you attractive does not mean he wants you and secondly; don’t ask a question to which you are not prepared to hear the answer. But that is another column.
Given that men are trainable, and they are, I think the women of Vancouver should take the first step. Let’s really put ourselves out there and lead by example. Let’s flirt! The men will start to respond in kind and we’ll all feel just a little sexier. Wouldn’t that be great?! This week, make as much eye contact as possible, and when they catch you looking at them, give them a huge smile, and maybe even a wink. If you are feeling ultra-confident, compliment a man on something. Be bold. Be cute. Be fun. Be flirtatious! It does not mean anything, we are only flirting!
In Europe and most of the rest of the civilised world, flirting is considered as normal a part of your day as grocery shopping. My friend Ingrid, an Argentinean woman, used to say that if she walked by a construction site and did not get whistled at she knew she wasn’t dressed sexy enough and would go directly home to change. Ingrid’s point was that it was her job to attract the attention of men. If she wasn’t, there was something very wrong. Then she came to visit me in Vancouver and nearly had a nervous breakdown. Even her shortest mini-skirt and most snugly fitting top was not doing the trick.
Why, you might ask, is this? Why is it that men have taken to ignoring us and that when they do muster the courage to say hello or make a flattering comment we look at them as if they had leprosy? The answer is: sex. Allow me to explain.
Flirting in Vancouver is synonymous with: “I’m interested in you” which loosely translates to “I’d like to take you out”, which inevitably means “I want to sleep with you”. In Spain if a man comments on your beautiful eyes, he is doing just that, whereas here in Vancouver a man commenting on our beauty is made to mean something more. So, following this hypothesis, if a woman were to respond in any positive way, she would then be implying that she is also interested.
When I was living in London, England I was invited to a house party at a friend’s place. Prior to arriving, I stopped at a small, local wine shop in Notting Hill to buy something for the host. A tall, handsome man dressed in a cashmere overcoat caught my eye. He was blonde, about 6’3 and had strong features, just my type. In typical Vancouver fashion, I pretended not to notice him. Going about my business, focusing on the task at hand, I sensed him approaching.
“Miss, might I say that is a lovely hat you are wearing? You are a very beautiful woman and it compliments you greatly”.
Accepting the kind words as gracefully as I could, I thanked him and waited for the pick up line. It never came. I expected at least a more robust conversation would follow. Even a comment about my accent would have been welcome…but nothing happened. By the time I finished selecting my bottle of wine and went to the till to pay, the stranger had vanished.
As the Universe would have it, as soon as I arrived at the party I saw him. Apparently we had mutual friends. He was speaking fluent French to a beautiful brunette investment banker who was dressed to the nines. After a few glasses of Chablis I mustered the courage to query him.
“Excuse me, hello, my name is Rachel Greenfeld and I am the girl you met at the wine shop, sans chapeau.” I managed to smile at the end of it, feeling as thought my legs were about to give way.
“Um, I am just wondering, why didn’t you ask me out?” I continued, taking another long gulp of wine.
“I just wasn’t interested” he replied, in a tone that suggested he was more confused than I was, giving me a curious look.
Strike up another huge life lesson. Actually, make that a couple of lessons. First of all: just because a man finds you attractive does not mean he wants you and secondly; don’t ask a question to which you are not prepared to hear the answer. But that is another column.
Given that men are trainable, and they are, I think the women of Vancouver should take the first step. Let’s really put ourselves out there and lead by example. Let’s flirt! The men will start to respond in kind and we’ll all feel just a little sexier. Wouldn’t that be great?! This week, make as much eye contact as possible, and when they catch you looking at them, give them a huge smile, and maybe even a wink. If you are feeling ultra-confident, compliment a man on something. Be bold. Be cute. Be fun. Be flirtatious! It does not mean anything, we are only flirting!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
