Get Down And Dirty: Talk To Strangers

I have been writing this column for nearly two-years now. In this time there is one question that people have ceaselessly asked me. This is: Why is it so difficult to meet people in Vancouver?". Now, when they say "meet people", some of the bewildered literally mean getting someone on the street to respond to your courteous "hello". Others refer to the challenge of forming a friendship out of a chance encounter at the grocery store. The rest tend to intimate they would like tips on how to find someone special. I am loathe to admit this to you but after years of probing the issue I still have not come up with an adequate answer that will put this issue to bed and resolve the conundrum.

What I can tell you is that this inability to connect with people whom we meet outside of the confines of our homes has resulted in a skewed, strange reality in how we meet people. A couple of examples:

1. When I first returned to Vancouver from London, England a few years ago I went to a local coffee shop. Spying a table of a group of people in their 30s, I approached and asked if an unoccupied seat was taken. The two men and two women paused and in their Vancouver "polite" voices replied, "no, go ahead" motioning that I could help myself to the seat. When I sat down instead of removing the chair to another, separate, table and nestled myself between the two men, they didn't know where to hang themselves.

2. A fellow business networker whom I bumped into at a breakfast meeting revealed that his girlfriend of two years had recently met someone on line from Caribbean and was moving out to live with him. Apparently his gal could not understand why her now ex-boyfriend was surprised. After all, their relationship had some issues and this new one was "perfect".

My point being, human contact and real life connection has begun to scare us. We don’t like strangers to get too close. Saying hello in a grocery store is acceptable but don’t expect to be invited in to dinner sort of thing. Once we have made contact with someone we don’t already know we don't want to work at the new relationship and relationships, no matter what kind we are talking about, take work. When we encounter someone new and they probe too deeply, we question their motives for wanting to befriend us believing them to be desperate or selling something or, heaven forbid, HITTING ON US.

Wouldn't it be great if we could give people a chance to show us who they are before we started judging the situation? How about being open to the people around us, without hiding behind our computer terminals and resorting to Lava Life to expand our social circles? Life is happening outside of our homes, not in the movies or on-line. Let's go out and play! Get your hands dirty and let me know how it goes.

When you choose a mate, do you go for someone with whom life would be a piece of cake, based on similarities, or your polar opposite? If you are currently in a relationship, are you and your partner compatible? If so, what does that mean? Does it mean you both enjoy Thai food, mountaineering and Sundays at the beach? Or does compatibility suggest a greater commonality; perhaps a sense that you both share core traits and values that will remain intact for the rest of your lives.

Most couples question their compatibility at some point or another-and it always seems to be at a time when your partner announces a newfound appreciation for something, take travel for example, or a growing disinterest in something previously held in common, like going to parties. What guarantee is there that you and your partner will remain compatible for ever? People may not change, but it’s fair to say that you are not the same person you were ten years ago. We all grow, sometimes at different paces and in different ways, and all too often a growth spurt is all it takes to derail a happy and loving relationship.

Often we hear of an unexpected break-up explained as a “growing apart”. Relationships that endure share a common characteristic; the partners work on growing together. As individuals evolve, so must the relationship, and this can be achieved through the practice of careful communication. We are often reluctant to share our changing needs with our partners, assuming that the ties that bind us will not bear the strain of new demands not previously agreed upon. So we suppress those needs and choose to suffer in silence. Or alternatively we view our needs with a reverence that blinds us to compromise and we become incapable of finding a middle-ground. Anyone who has practiced yoga can appreciate the values of flexibility and though many of us are more supple than others, flexibility can be gained through practice.

That said, there are some very basics that must be in place before we look at adding on layers of complexity attributable to growth and change. Fiona MacRae from the London Daily Mail wrote, “They say opposites attract. But if you are looking for a happy ending, the more similar you are to your loved one the better.” MacRae interviewed a psychiatrist who has come up with a 25-question test that he believes measures your compatibility and can help you differentiate between lust and a long-term potentiality. The Compatibility Quotient test covers a range of issues, from politics to household chores. “All of the things that lead to long-term compatibility depend on similarity and the more common ground you have the better” claims Dr. Glenn Wilson, the test’s designer.

If you have the courage, take a few moments and gauge your relationships’ compatibility. The way you score it is by calculating the number of spaces between your answers. So, if you pick (a) and your partner chooses (e), you score 4. If you answer the same, the score is zero. After 25 questions, the final result will be between 0 and 100. Scores of below 23 signify compatibility.

How tall are you? a) Quite tall b) Above average c) Average d) Slightly below avg. e) On the short side.
Which best describes you? a) Overweight b) Slightly overweight c) Average weight d) Fairly slim e) Rather skinny
How attractive are you? a)Very b)Fairly c) Average d) Rather plain e)Very plain
How intelligent are you? a) Bright b) Brainier than avg. c) Brighter than avg. d) Avg. e) A little below avg.
Which is your favourite type of music? a) Heavy metal or rap b) Pop c) Easy-listening d) Jazz e) Classical or opera
Which TV shows do you most prefer? a) Game shows b) Soap operas c) Cop shows or comedies d) Serious dramas e) News and documentaries
Do you like foreign food? a) Really can’t stand it b) Prefer plain food c) Okay for a change d) Enjoy most foods e) Prefer foreign food
What is your view of parties? a) Prefer being alone b)Small groups are okay c) A few parties are okay d) Enjoy parties e) Love wild parties
What level of education have you reached/are you expected to reach? a)My education ended when I was 16 b) Nothing after high school c)Some courses after high school d)Degree or diploma e) Post-graduate degree
What is your job? a) Professional b) Managerial c) Clerical, admin or customer service d) Skilled manual trades person e) Non-skilled manual job
What type of relationship would you prefer? a) Casual friendship b) Lasting friendship c) An exciting short-term affair d) An intimate long-term relationship e) Marriage
How sexually experienced are you? a) Still a virgin b) Rather inexperienced c) Averagely experienced d) More experienced than most e) Very experienced
How would you describe your sex drive? a) Almost nonexistent b) Reasonably low c) About average d) On the high side e) Insatiable
How important to you is sexual fidelity? a) Essential b) Very important c) The odd lapse is forgivable d) Affairs are expected e) Would prefer an open relationship
How important is money? A) Can’t buy happiness b) Just need enough to live c) Want to be comfortable d) Want to be rich e) Want to be very rich
How would you describe your political views? A) Far left b) Left of Centre c) Neutral or not interested d) Right of Centre e) Far Right
How religious are you? a) Active and committed b) Go to church/temple sometimes c) Worship in private d) Not really religious e) Actively anti-relgious
What is your view of astrology and fortune telling? a) A total waste of time b) A bit sceptical c) Harmless fun d) Probably something in it e) To be relied upon
What is your view of chivalry? a) Old-fashioned nonsense b) Rather undesirable c) Okay in its place d) A desirable quality e) An essential part of life
How should household chores be allocated? A) Split equally b) Shared according to skill c) If one partner works, they should do less d) The main earner should hardly do any housework e) If there is one main breadwinner, they should be exempt from chores
Do you expect to have more children? a) definitely not b) No real interest c) Maybe d) Definitely e) Will do anything to have children, even adopt
How do you feel about keeping pets? a) Hate them or am allergic b) Prefer not to lose independence c) Some are nice d) Would keep if practical e) Can’t imagine life without one
How close do you like to be to your family? a)In constant touch b) See them fairly regularly c) Meet up occasionally d) Talk now and then e) Prefer to be self-contained
What is your attitude towards tidiness? a) Happily live in chaos b) A bit untidy c) Like to be organised d) Life everything to be perfect
What is your view on smoking? a) Intolerable b) Fairly undesirable c) It’s okay for others to do it d) I’m a light smoker e) I’m a heavy smoker


If you find that you and your mate are truly compatible, be open to change in interests, hobbies and goals and your relationship stands a great chance of making it long term!

Wake Up Call: Match Yourself Well

I have discovered the secret to maintaining your self esteem and feeling beautiful whilst in a relationship: match yourself according to your own level. We all know the feeling of getting into a relationship only to find that we don’t feel good about ourselves anymore. Either we begin to feel stupid, or unattractive, or uninteresting. Alternatively, it is sometimes the case that we start to feel a heightened sense of superiority or become disrespectful towards our partner due to their inability to “get it”. They just can’t keep up to us.

Psychological studies prove that ensuring that our mate is our equal is a deeply important part of a healthy relationship. It begins with knowing oneself of course. Rate yourself on a scale of one to ten as regards intelligence, looks, world experience, adventurousness, curiosity, sense of humour, etc. It is challenging to do this objectively but necessary all the same. This is the moment where you must be brutally honest. Then take a look around you at some of the people you find yourself attracted to. See how they fare on the scale.

I find that with men, this situation is usually quite imbalanced. For some reason, men tend to have an optimistic view of their physical appearance. Some of them could use a wake up call. Time and time again I have witnessed somewhat attractive men setting their sites on super-model looking women who are usually half their age. Depending on the size of the man’s pocket-book and the values of the woman in question, sometimes they have luck, but it is generally for the short term and ends with the loss of a small fortune and a bruised ego. Statistics would argue that if the same man were to partner with a woman of his stature who is financially secure, mature, and of average looks, the duo would have a much better chance at making it in the long run.

A sorry example of this was brought to my attention the other day when a friend revealed his most recent horror story of a relationship. Frank is a forty-something, moderately handsome, successful businessman. He drives a new, sparkling sports car and dresses in Versace. He thought he had hit the jackpot the day he met Jzenia. Gorgeous, young, exotic, with a James Bond girl accent, she was a dream come true.

Three months later they were married. Frank had ignored all of the red flags. The fact that nothing he did was good enough, the fact that she returned her engagement ring because the larger one was “so much cuter”. On the honeymoon, Jzenia insisted that they change hotels as The Four Seasons did not serve the breakfast she preferred. Once they had transferred her 20-pieced luggage set to The Hilton and had re-settled in, she threw a tantrum that the view at the previous hotel was superior and insisted they move back. After being belittled and embarrassed one to many times, Frank threw in the towel. Three weeks later they were divorced.

I asked Frank over cocktails one night why he thought this situation had occurred, being that he had already been married twice prior. He responded that he never matched himself up properly. He always went after the sensual, gorgeous, Eastern European type with whom he shared little to nothing in common. Being a fairly straightforward Canadian man, Frank was selecting women he could not really relate to.

This brings us back to my earlier point. If you partner with someone who is fantastic looking and you are not, you are slowly going to feel less and less attractive. However, if your mate is unappealing, you might start to believe you are something special to look at when you are not. The same holds true for intelligence levels. Should you choose to spend your time with someone who is more cerebral than yourself, you will unnecessarily be putting yourself at risk of feeling thick. Whereas if your partner isn’t as quick as you are, you run into the problem of feeling overly gifted in the brains department. The same holds true for athleticism, worldliness, sophistication and so on. If you would like to feel terrific about yourself, find someone who matches your pace step for step. It is always fun to learn new things from our mate, but at the same time, we have to feel like we have the complete package the way we are now. This is the secret to a healthy relationship in which you are always feeling like the best version of yourself!

Gardening Tips for Relationships

Love is, above all else, the gift of oneself. Jean Anouilh

Have you ever noticed that many of us expect to be treated exceptionally well in a relationship, but don’t think that we should have to put in much effort? We feel that, in a way, it is owed to us because we are after all our terrific selves. Our partner should be grateful to have the good fortune to be dating us. After the initial surge of excitement has settled down, slowly but surely we make less and less of a big deal of our partner until the downward spiral has taken full effect and we barely mind our Ps and Qs. Before too long both partners are going through the motions, fully aware that something is missing. They don’t know how to find those wonderful, loving feelings anymore.

Few people appreciate the fact that relationships, even the very best ones, especially the very best ones, take a lot of work. The thought of working at work and then working at home is daunting to even the mightiest of souls. It precludes some from getting involved in a long-term partnership because at times, let’s face it, it can be a grind. However, maintaining a profound, deeply supportive relationship can offer rewards which far outweigh the efforts invested.

Many assume that relationships should occur effortlessly, as if by magic. This false belief will only lead to heartache and disappointment. Whether we are speaking of a husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend or simply of a friendship, the importance of a thoughtful word or a kind gesture cannot be overstated. Ensuring that either person is not always relegated to one end of the giving or receiving is critical. Relationships require a fine balancing act, and we must offer them as much attention as we would a delicate high-wire performance. Should we stop focusing on our significant other for too long we would most likely fall off and break something.

Good, straightforward, honest communication is the foundation for a healthy, loving relationship. Be selective of when to “discuss” issues and when to let things slide. Just because you are feeling expressive and ready to emote does not guarantee your partner is in the same head space nor does it ensure they are ready to receive. I find it is best to avoid discussing relationship matters when either person is tired or fatigued. These moments can serve as destructive flashpoints and make a small deal turn into a big one in a matter of seconds.

As time goes on, we often take our partners for granted and under appreciate the many ways in which they add value to our lives. For example, if a complete stranger were to cook you dinner and then wash all of the dishes, how appreciative would you be? You might be so grateful as to write them a thank-you note (or send a small gift the following day if you were very well brought-up). However, from a loved one we come to expect these behaviours and don’t receive these gifts with much fanfare.

Kindness begets kindness. If you find yourself wondering what value you partner adds to your life, imagine the world without them. What feelings would be absent? What would be different? What would your home feel like? We often expend so much energy in areas of our life that don’t give us nearly as good of a return as the return that results from investing in our relationships. Anyone who has experienced loneliness knows how precious love can be. Yet once in a relationship we are often quick to become ungrateful. If you plan on maintaining a loving relationship, roll up your sleeves and do some heavy lifting. It will pay off tenfold.

View your relationship as you would a lovely garden requiring regular water, sunlight and food once in awhile. Grant your relationship the same care and attention a good farmer gives his crops and your relationship will provide for you a beautiful, fulfilling, lasting return.

To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three parts dead. Bertrand Russell

Stop Waiting, Start Living

Most single people spend their lives waiting to become involved in a relationship in order for their real lives to begin. Watching people languish away in misery until magically, one day, they meet Mr. Right and their life is finally complete is practically the norm in Hollywood cookie-cutters. We have seen it a million times: Mr. Wonderful arrives and suddenly the overweight woman can get into shape, purchase a fantastic wardrobe, drive a fancy car, live in a cozy home, and go out with interesting, worldly friends. Thanks to the fact that they have met their mate, they are finally happy.

Maybe it isn’t the fact that Mr. Perfect isn’t here yet that has you waiting. Maybe you are waiting until you earn more money, get the job you have always coveted, waiting for your career to take off, or for the right apartment to become affordable. Whatever it is that has you waiting, get over it. What if you could start living your life right now? This very moment? What would it look like?

I was talking to a fellow Kitsilano resident the other day. He is a forty-something, successful, good-looking, kind person. He told me that he married the love of his life at 18 years old. They have three perfect children, a perfect home, a perfect summer cottage with a perfect view, and what he thought was a perfect marriage. Only it wasn’t so perfect. Apparently, his wife of 23 years felt that she had been waiting to meet the right person in order to start living, whom she found over the internet.

The point is that nothing is ever perfect. If you are not being true to yourself and your sense of values, you are not really living at all. You are simply waiting.

The solution is that we have to connect to our values. Find out what has meaning to us and start living along the terms dictated by those values. What do you relate to? Is it family, adventure, spirituality, community, love, peace, the quest for learning, giving back? Whatever it is that you hold dear, incorporate it into your daily routine. Honesty, integrity, interdependence, kindness, these are things that when added to your day make your life a pleasure. They make your life feel huge.

A good way to find out what you really care about is to do this brief exercise. If your house was burning down and all people and animals were safe, what is the one thing you would grab on your way out the door? What does that thing represent to you? Personally, I would reach for my guitar. This instrument is my way of creating music, which speaks to my soul and is my way of communicating (aside from writing this column of course).

Another excellent way of discovering what you stand for is by pretending that you have a trunk to fill with things that represent yourself. When the trunk is opened, the items inside will be the only bits and pieces that people have to go on to find out what sort of person you are. What would you place in that trunk?

The happiness of a man in this life does not consist in the absence but in the mastery of his passions. Alfred Lord Tennyson

How do you decide what goes in the trunk?

The first step to getting the things you want out of life is this: Decide what you want. Ben Stein

If, after these exercises, it is still unclear what sort of relationship you have with yourself and you feel a bit lost, you might consider hiring a life coach. Liz Budny was one of the life coaches I interviewed for this column. Just shoot her an e-mail: ebudny2002@yahoo.ca if you need any help.

As Barbara Hall says,

You're alive. Do something. The directive in life, the moral imperative is so uncomplicated. It can be expressed in single words, not complete sentences. It sounds like this: Look. Listen. Choose. Act.
So get out and live. What are you waiting for?

Revitalizing The Art Of Flirting

Over the past few months, a few conversations at the Campoverde Social Club have turned to the subject of flirting in Vancouver, or the lack thereof. The members, both male and female, have taken a poll and have come to the conclusion that in Vancouver, flirting as a pastime is dead.

In Europe and most of the rest of the civilised world, flirting is considered as normal a part of your day as grocery shopping. My friend Ingrid, an Argentinean woman, used to say that if she walked by a construction site and did not get whistled at she knew she wasn’t dressed sexy enough and would go directly home to change. Ingrid’s point was that it was her job to attract the attention of men. If she wasn’t, there was something very wrong. Then she came to visit me in Vancouver and nearly had a nervous breakdown. Even her shortest mini-skirt and most snugly fitting top was not doing the trick.

Why, you might ask, is this? Why is it that men have taken to ignoring us and that when they do muster the courage to say hello or make a flattering comment we look at them as if they had leprosy? The answer is: sex. Allow me to explain.

Flirting in Vancouver is synonymous with: “I’m interested in you” which loosely translates to “I’d like to take you out”, which inevitably means “I want to sleep with you”. In Spain if a man comments on your beautiful eyes, he is doing just that, whereas here in Vancouver a man commenting on our beauty is made to mean something more. So, following this hypothesis, if a woman were to respond in any positive way, she would then be implying that she is also interested.

When I was living in London, England I was invited to a house party at a friend’s place. Prior to arriving, I stopped at a small, local wine shop in Notting Hill to buy something for the host. A tall, handsome man dressed in a cashmere overcoat caught my eye. He was blonde, about 6’3 and had strong features, just my type. In typical Vancouver fashion, I pretended not to notice him. Going about my business, focusing on the task at hand, I sensed him approaching.

“Miss, might I say that is a lovely hat you are wearing? You are a very beautiful woman and it compliments you greatly”.

Accepting the kind words as gracefully as I could, I thanked him and waited for the pick up line. It never came. I expected at least a more robust conversation would follow. Even a comment about my accent would have been welcome…but nothing happened. By the time I finished selecting my bottle of wine and went to the till to pay, the stranger had vanished.

As the Universe would have it, as soon as I arrived at the party I saw him. Apparently we had mutual friends. He was speaking fluent French to a beautiful brunette investment banker who was dressed to the nines. After a few glasses of Chablis I mustered the courage to query him.

“Excuse me, hello, my name is Rachel Greenfeld and I am the girl you met at the wine shop, sans chapeau.” I managed to smile at the end of it, feeling as thought my legs were about to give way.

“Um, I am just wondering, why didn’t you ask me out?” I continued, taking another long gulp of wine.

“I just wasn’t interested” he replied, in a tone that suggested he was more confused than I was, giving me a curious look.

Strike up another huge life lesson. Actually, make that a couple of lessons. First of all: just because a man finds you attractive does not mean he wants you and secondly; don’t ask a question to which you are not prepared to hear the answer. But that is another column.

Given that men are trainable, and they are, I think the women of Vancouver should take the first step. Let’s really put ourselves out there and lead by example. Let’s flirt! The men will start to respond in kind and we’ll all feel just a little sexier. Wouldn’t that be great?! This week, make as much eye contact as possible, and when they catch you looking at them, give them a huge smile, and maybe even a wink. If you are feeling ultra-confident, compliment a man on something. Be bold. Be cute. Be fun. Be flirtatious! It does not mean anything, we are only flirting!

Make A List of Who You Would Like to Meet

Has anyone ever told you that in order to find your mate you should sit down and write a list of the qualities that you would like that person to have? Well, I have good news and bad news. The List will come true, the man you write about will appear. I have tried it on several occasions and each time I got exactly who I asked for. Therein lies the problem.

My first attempt at The List was the one I wrote with my mother. I was living in Manhattan at the time and mum came down for a mother/daughter visit. After meeting my completely unacceptable boyfriend, she told me that if I wanted to meet the right guy I would have to write a list. And so we began; smart, well-educated, Spanish speaking, successful, funny, charming. At the time, it seemed robust enough. The very next day, and I am not kidding, my phone rang at work.

“Hello, this is Daniel Abraham. Pablo Ruiz will not be able to make the interview with you today and he has asked me to replace him on the 4 o’clock show. I work in Emerging Markets with him and am from Peru.” I was producing a financial show for Televisa and my new interviewee was The List my mother and I had just drafted. A year later, soon after our extravagant engagement party at Trump Plaza, I realised that I had left something important off my list: heterosexual.

A bit shaken and more than a little heartbroken, I moved to London, England and began revising The List. Heterosexual took the number one slot, as you might have guessed. And so I embarked on my second list, being a bit more cautious this time round. Enter Nicholas Scott. Nick was the sexy, charming, hysterically funny lawyer with whom I was working on multi-national deals throughout Western Europe. I had taken the job as head of international business development for a high-tech firm based in London and Paris. Within weeks of meeting one another, Nick and I became inseparable. My life turned into a romantic film noir; diamonds, casual lunches at The Ritz in Green Park, weekends in Paris, love letters, a surprise BMW cabriolet for my birthday. Life with charming Nick came to an abrupt halt when I realised which adjective had been left off this list: single.

Back to the drawing board. This time I was going to make extra-sure that there could be no misinterpretation of my requested partner’s attributes. Single bumped heterosexual into the number two spot. Honest took number three. I figured seeing as how I pretty much was batting 1000 in getting what I asked for, I should up the ante. I added: French speaking, aristocratic, elegant, good family, chateau in the Alps, fantastic skier, summer house in St. Tropez, brilliant, sweet, THE WORKS. Francois Deschamp was introduced into my life two-days later, by mutual friends visiting from Paris. After a year of St. Tropez, Courchevel and a variety of globetrotting adventures, another key element came up: compatibility. I learned that hard core introverts and extreme extroverts do not blend well. My lifestyle nearly killed Francois and his left me feeling boxed in. We threw in the towel whilst very much in love, knowing that our differenced were insurmountable. Add extrovert to The List.

I came to the conclusion that my list building activity was futile. Giving up on the idea entirely (which was silly in retrospect only because it was my mother who had told me to do it and she is unfailingly right on the button with all advice). I decided to go about my business as a singleton and try to find happiness in other ways, resulting in the opening of my social club, Campoverde. But, being trained as a journalist, one thing I do is keep a journal. Every morning I jot down a few pages of random thoughts, in no particular order, of whatever happens to cross my mind. Here is where the story becomes eerie. A couple of months ago I met a wonderful man. He, like most of the men in my life, seemed to appear out of thin air. We had bumped into each other about a year and a half ago on a plane on our way back from the U.K. Lee was in town in January and decided to send me an e-mail and ask me out for coffee. Three days later he moved in and it has been bliss ever since.

So, I naturally put the old list thing to bed once and for all, finally finding proof that the whole idea was a load of nonsense…until I flipped through my journal the other day. There it was, in my morning download of unorganised thoughts. I had re-written the list, but this time with the only things that truly mattered to me: good values, same lifestyle goals and compatibility. According to my records, I had received his e-mail the very next day.

So not only was my mother right once again, but the old adage holds true: be careful what you wish for. You will get it, but you may have to deal with the fine print, and it can be brutal.

When You Have Met Your Match

Everyone knows the signs of a bad match; boredom, fatigue, disinterest, sometimes even revulsion. My girlfriend Anna told me one horror story that will curl your eyelashes. She was set up on a blind-date with a wealthy, debonair accountant from England. The man arrived in his silver Porshe to collect her and insisted they go to a beautiful, high-end restaurant even though she said she was not at all hungry. She finally acquiesced and ordered a glass of wine to be polite so that he would not feel as though he were eating alone. Five courses later when the bill arrived, the man did not make a move. Anna asked him, in a somewhat shocked voice, if he would like her to get it and he replied “that would be lovely, thank you, how generous of you”. It gets worse. They had already made plans to meet up with some of her friends to see a film. Upon arriving at the cinema, the accountant went to remove his wallet from his jean jacket breast pocket and five condoms fell onto the floor, NOT from his wallet which might have held a residual stash (to give him the benefit of the doubt), but from where they had been strategically placed for the purposes of that evenings assumed activities.

The question is, how can you tell when you have met the right person? The guy who fits what you need and are looking for? We are so accustomed to bad experiences and negative results, insecurities and heart breaks, how do we know when we have something worth fighting for?

Top ten ways you know it is time to stop looking.
You can be yourself and the man encourages you to be the best you can be.
In his eyes, you are the person you aspire to become.
You are completely comfortable in your own skin and feel a sense of peace.
The relationship seems to choose you, you don’t have to force it.
Your checklist of the perfect man no longer seems to matter much.
The team is greater than the sum of its parts.
Complimentary strengths and weaknesses mean that you have someone to catch you when you fall.
Your core value system is mutual.
You feel safe.
You become a kinder, more thoughtful person with a great deal of respect for your mate.

There are a few other things that will happen when you meet The Keeper (and I don’t say the The One, because I don’t believe there is only one person with whom you can build a wonderful life). Something quite magical occurs is the sense that the connection you share will be something you did not know existed prior to entering into that relationship.

Now, that said, I feel it important to counter this list with:

Top ten ways you know it is time to move on
1. The man is incapable of spending any alone time with you, parents and friends seem to be around all the time.
2. He seems to forget his wallet every time you go out.
3. His qualities seem annoying, such as the way he laughs, or how he is absent-minded, or doesn’t really listen to what you are saying…
4. You are incompatible in bed.
5. You don’t like the scent of his skin.
6. He is mean to service people.
7. He only compliments you when you are all made up, but always seems to notice your weight.
8. He doesn’t get along with your friends and family.
9. You get in the way of his television view.
10. He can’t even make plans with you for this Saturday, never mind the future.

I quote good old Kenny Rogers here when I say,
“You gotta know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em, know when to walk away, know when to RUN.”

May you work with the Universe and have faith that the right match will appear when you are being true to yourself. If you are creating a life that is happy, fulfilled and balanced, love will walk through your door. Just keep putting yourself out there and let people know that you are open to it and girls, I promise, it will happen.

Over-caffeinated Nation

It’s Time to Tell The City What We Want, and it Ain’t More Coffee

I am going to tell you guys, finally, why it is so difficult to meet people in Vancouver. It is not as simple as a one-sentence answer so for my next few columns you are going to be on the roller coaster ride of a response, but don’t worry, it will have become abundantly clear by the end of it all.

Over the past two-years of running The Campoverde Social Club, hundreds upon hundreds of people have asked what our secret is. Why is it so easy to socialise inside of Campoverde when, if you were to see the same people in a local restaurant or on the street, you would have ignored them. I am going to solve the mystery but what I reveal is going to make you angry.

When I moved back to Vancouver from London, England in 2002 I was appalled at the lack of a social scene. I wrote up a business plan and called the city of Vancouver. “Hi, my name is Rachel Greenfeld and I would like to get a license to start-up a social club” I naively stated. Complete silence loomed. “Ma’am, we don’t have social clubs here” responded the surly voice on the other end of the line. “I know” I stated, wondering what the point was. “That is exactly why I would like to open one” I explained, thinking that the person I was dealing with was obviously not business minded. If we don’t have them, then starting one is a fantastic idea, from a logical standpoint.

I was quickly taught that there is no place for logic when it comes to starting a new venture in British Columbia. “I’m afraid the category of social club does not exist” he furthered. Hmmm, okay, I thought to myself, no problem. I will simply call it something else. “Fine. I would like a license for a wine lounge then.” Another deadly pause ensued. “We don’t have wine lounges in Vancouver.” Finally I realised I was going to have to explain the concept in order to find a vocabulary term that would make us both happy.

“Sir,” I took a deep breath, “I would like to build a small, living-room style space filled with beautiful Persian rugs, comfy chairs and sofas, coffee tables and gilded furniture where people can gather to meet new people and to build community. They will be able to arrive by themselves or with friends because we will make sure that everyone is introduced to one another. People will use this venue to listen to music, to have a bite to eat, something to drink or just pop by to discuss life in general. What would you suggest I do?” That should clear things up, I thought, as ignorant as I was to the behemoth ways of our city.

This time there was no hesitation. “Open a coffee shop” came the trite reply. I couldn’t help it; my eyes started doing the roll to the back of the head thing. Did you ever notice that you can tell when someone is doing that, even if it is on the phone? It seeps out through their voice. I tried to hide my desire to bang the phone against something really hard, but I don’t think I got away with it. “Sir, I think maybe we just might have that market covered here in Vancouver. Can you think of any other suggestions?” Honestly, I really wanted to work with him here. Once again, no hesitation required: “Yep. Move back to London ma’am.”

I had to repeat the suggestion out loud just to make sure I was hearing things correctly. “Just to be clear, you are telling me that instead of investing my money in my home city, building business, creating employment and paying taxes, you would prefer I take my idea to England?” I couldn’t help but sound a little perplexed. “Yes, that is basically what I am saying, yes.”

When I hung up the phone, my hands were trembling and my mind was reeling. How could any system be more backwards? I wondered aloud. I was tempted to pick up and move back to London, where I had friends and knew the ropes but resolve had already set in like dried concrete. I knew that if I just thought hard I could find a creative way to make this social club fly. Care to know why you are not allowed to have any fun in this city? IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. To be continued.

Creating Cheer for the Holidays

Have you ever spent a big holiday away from friends and family? I have, many times. Being a “citizen of the world” I have often found myself alone on the big days and let me assure you, it is pretty miserable. At this particular point each year, people take stock of who they are, what their lives have come to, and whom they have to share it with. Some of us are set up quite nicely, whilst others are not as lucky.

December is a great month to take strides into making this city a kinder, nicer, more feel good place. This season grants us with an excuse to reach out to the people around us. It is going to take some serious work on all of our parts. For 10-months now I have written about putting ourselves out there and a couple of people have mentioned to me that Kits is now a little less “smile-averse” than it was before.

That said it still feels strange to say hello to someone you are standing beside on the street corner whilst waiting for the light to change. The time has come to take some drastic measures or “go big” as they say (whoever they are). Challenge yourself to be crazy friendly. Invite the neighbours in for tea. Knock on the doorways in your apartment building and hand out Season’s Greetings (for the Pros: find out what your neighbours’ believe in and give them a specific Christmas or Hanukkah card!) Send all of the people who made this year special for you a personal hand-written letter telling them how much they have added to your life. Random acts of kindness to street people, like buying them a sandwich, will do your heart good. Trust me on this one, just try it.

One of my favourite things to do around the holidays is to host an open house. It doesn’t have to be on any particular day. For example, last Christmas was one of my favourite days ever, and I don’t even celebrate the holiday! I opened my home to all of the orphans in town and we had over 20-people in my tiny Kits Point flat for a full Christmas lunch. My sisters cooked, God bless them, because I would have probably poisoned the whole lot of them. Everyone stopped by for some cheer and friendship, and a few beverages of course, and we spent the day playing board games and doing absolutely nothing. What a treat!

So this year, I recommend taking a look around you and making sure that we are fulfilling our moral duty to be our brother’s keepers. Ask people if they have somewhere to spend the holidays. If they hesitate, invite them along to your place. Holidays are about creating spirit. We need to become trendsetters. At Campoverde, we work hard at maintaining a friendly place to go to hang out. We actually have a rule that you are not allowed to ignore people, and everyone who passes through our doors has that rule explained to them. People remark that when they enter our social club, they feel as though they have entered another world, a world of friendliness. My goal is to make our entire city feel that way. Ideally, Vancouver could become the place that nobody ever wants to leave because you feel so good when you are here. Currently, people who visit our fair city board a plane to go home saying, “pretty place, but there isn’t much to do and nobody talks to you. It is a tough crowd to break into”.

One day we will get there. Let’s start today. Make a list of people you need to touch base with in your life and then do something about it. Spread some love and it will come back to you tenfold. Cards, letters, phone calls, they all work wonders. But the coup de grace is hosting your own event…without asking your guests to bring anything!

Happy Holidays everyone.

Community Sparks Love

I recently returned from four days in Winnipeg visiting very dear relatives and re-connecting with my roots. Being from Vancouver – the land of individuals--, it was a shock to see what happens in a close-knit city of people operating more like an extended family than a group of unrelated personalities. It simply felt safer to be in Winnipeg, where if you stumble, someone is always there to catch you. If you come down with a cold, somehow, somebody will bring you chicken soup.

By contrast, I have lost count of the many people I’ve met just this year at Campoverde Social Club who have told me how difficult it is to make new friends in Vancouver. One example: a high-powered businesswoman, who was on the verge of tears as she explained how lonely she is in our city. When her company offered her a transfer to beautiful BC, as an attractive, successful woman she thought she would easily meet new people in the community. Sadly the opposite has proven true.

Becoming part of a community begins with you. Whilst living in Manhattan, I read an article in which the author said: If you have been living in a place for longer than six-months and cannot borrow $5 from the guy who runs the local grocery store [bagel shop, gas station, etc.] you are not doing your part toward building community. So here are the tough questions: What have you done today to build relationships in your life? When that new couple moved in next door did you bring them “welcome” cookies? Do you know the names of the people who prepare your regular morning coffee? And when is the last time you chatted with someone in the elevator of your own building?

Building community is about being inclusive. It is about inviting people into your home to introduce the people you know to others from a different part of your life. It’s making time to hang out, without always rushing to do the next thing on your list. Vancouver, with its bubble culture, has micro-communities but unlike Winnipeg we are certainly not one big family. There is a runners’ bubble, a cycling bubble, an Ultimate league bubble etc., but rarely do I find a group comprised of people with a combination of interests.

Why not try a new way of living…open your life to others and mix it up. Next time you are introduced or happen to meet someone who adds something to your life, take another step. Ask them if they would like to come to your house for a dinner party and then throw one. Tell them you are coordinating a group outing to see a film or for drinks and then set a date. Organise a trip to the Vancouver Art Gallery, do whatever interests you, but do something. Mix up friends from all different areas and look forward to what blossoms.

As far as friendliness and community are concerned, Vancouver is ordinary at best. Can’t we do better than this? Let’s transform Vancouver’s social life into something worth talking about, as extraordinary as our natural surroundings. The groundbreaking tennis champion Arthur Ashe once said: “From what we get in life, we make a living, from what we give, we make a life.” The other day a friend of mine was set up on a blind date by the guy who serves him breakfast at his corner diner. That’s making a life – and a community!

A Man Has to Hunt

Last week I met the most beautiful man I have ever laid eyes on. He literally took my breath away. I was in the middle of a conversation with friends when I spotted him out of the corner of my eye and stopped talking mid-sentence. The girls I had been gabbing with burst into laughter at my overt behaviour. We were sitting at Campoverde on the sofas and I quickly rose, approached him, introduced myself and then invited him to join us.

As the owner of a social club, that is mandatory behaviour. However I wondered what I would have done had I been a patron and therefore unable to use the excuse that it was my job to be friendly and welcoming. My new handsome friend Peter quickly and easily ingratiated himself into the crowd and soon we began discussing gender roles in relationships. Christina mentioned she had recently watched a talk show where the special guest was a male interior designer. The girls all agreed that if our boyfriend were to call in the middle of the day to discuss curtains we would be a bit startled. That sparked the question: at which point does one’s femininity or masculinity become threatened by a loss of traditional gender roles?

In today’s world, a man hiking the Grouse Grind could summit several minutes after his lady-friend. That said, she might choose to cook for him and prove herself hopeless (that would be me), while the man could be a gifted chef. I think Peter put it best when he said, “it doesn’t really matter who is doing what as long as the skills are complementary”. I agree in theory, however, there is a line.

Chivalry must be given its’ due, and this is where it gets confusing. I would have liked Peter to have asked me out. It was written all over my face and I even stayed until 1am hanging out with him at the club (which rarely happens, as any Campoverde member will attest), but he did not. This is where my traditional female-chromosome kicked in. I would not take the first step. This is not a “how to” rule; it is just the point at which I feel de-feminized. Instigating the initial date, paying for the first evening out, picking a man up at his home, these all fall into the “not-going-to-happen” category. They are simply my rules for maintaining my female-ness. If you make something too easy, there is no sense of accomplishment. Acting too eager to please and compromising yourself to ‘get the role’ in a potential relationship reduces both people to bit parts in a mediocre production destined to close early.

Ultimately, men are hunters. They need to feel the thrill of the chase. Keep yourself on the radar screen but allow them to strategise on how to conquer you. Hang out at their favourite spots, become chummy with their friends, be present and open but PLEASE LET THEM TAKE THE FIRST STEPS. After seeing you a few times around town, if they are still not stepping up to the plate, it is probably time to move on.

Men must feel this way when they attain the goal of going out with a new woman. It must be a source of pride that they are with you. Ladies, if we take the first step, all of that sense of accomplishment goes away. I’m not saying, “play hard to get”, more like, “keep ‘em guessing”. Don’t give up the solid ground until they earn it. As a last resort, there is always the jealousy card.

The late Carolyn Bessett-Kennedy is a perfect example of this. Every time JFK Jr. stopped calling, she would ostentatiously be spotted around town on the arm of her on-again-off-again model boyfriend until John-John practically begged her to marry him. He couldn’t handle the fact that she was not sitting at home brooding whilst awaiting his call. He realized she was going to leave him behind if he did not step up to the plate!

In the word of the late Marcel Proust “Women who are to some extent resistant, whom one cannot possess at once, whom one does not even know at first whether one will ever possess, are the only interesting ones.”

The moral: in order to be treated like a woman, you must let the man play the role of the hunter. Be open, friendly, kind and fun but allow him take the initial steps toward getting to know you better. Once you feel a friendship is forming, relax into it. You will either have complimentary attributes and your partnership will blossom, or you will find that you are not a great match but you can still be friends! Either way, a man has to hunt.

What Kind of Man Are You?

While I am not Emily Post there are just some things that I see happening in Vancouver that make me feel ashamed at where evolution has landed us. Here is an example:

I was out at a party held at the Vancouver Club the other night. There was a huge crowd of partygoers, most people having a genuinely good time. At about 1am, a well-known journalist and I were talking over cheesecake when a handsome man approached and broke into our conversation. “Hi, how are you?” he exclaimed to my journalist friend without so much as glancing in my direction. “I haven’t seen you in a while” he continued, still not bothering to mutter “excuse me for interrupting”. After a short speech about how pleased he was to see my companion, the fellow made the effort to see whose conversation he had barged into and realised that he recognised my face. Instead of the appropriate, “I apologise, how rude of me, don’t I recognise you from somewhere”, he continued right along talking to my friend and pretending that there was nobody else present. Finally, as Mr. Manners took a breath, I interjected by saying; “Hi, I’m Rachel. Perhaps you remember meeting me a few months ago at a restaurant?” To which he replied, “Oh yes, you own Campoverde, the social club in Kitsilano”. “Well”, I think to myself, “now he is going to make up for being so incredibly rude”. But no. He performs the coup de grace. Turning once again to our local star reporter, he says, “Well, I am going to the bar to get a drink. Malcolm, may I get you one?” “No thanks” comes the reply as Malcolm, uncomfortable from the clear lack of social graces just displayed, further lowers his head to his plate.

Now listen, I am as fair as the next person for giving the benefit of the doubt. However, when manners are disregarded to such an extent, someone has got to do something about it. The proverbial bar is only as high as we hold it. If you accept that sort of behaviour, that is how you will be treated. “Ask and ye shall receive” comes to mind here. In the pouring rain, when you are going to a party or to dinner or to a movie (heaven forbid) with a date, and they don’t offer to drop you at the door, TELL THEM TO DO SO. Allow the men to feel like men, try not to usurp their spot in the hierarchy of socially acceptable behaviour. I am not saying that men have to pay for everything; in this world women are capable of holding their own. However, that does not mean that women are no longer feminine, graceful, charming, intelligent and vulnerable. Being looked after when out with male company, whether they are friends or more is simply part of the natural order of life.

Please, boys, take your natural place back. We don’t want it. Treat us like the ladies that you would like us to be. Be a man. The five dollars you spend on the drink may not land you directly into someone’s bed, but it will leave you feeling empowered and important and socially desirable. A worthy investment if you ask me.

Over the past year and a half more than 3,500 people have come into Campoverde. Of this group, I have witnessed beautiful manners occasionally and some men have exemplified what being a gentleman is all about. It is not difficult and it has nothing to do with money or looks. All it takes is a kind word, generosity of spirit and a dab of consideration. Next time you are out, when you are on the way to the bar to get yourself another drink, just ask the group if anyone would like anything. I guarantee you they will remember that you did, whether or not they take you up on your offer. The women will start to talk about you, and they will be saying very good things. You may well become the kind of man that other men try to emulate, and THAT is the kind of man you want to be.

The Quest For Prince Charming: Are You Chasing Your Own Tail?

As the owner of a social club, one thing that I hear a lot about is relationships. Things that work well, and things that are just not on. There is a lot of fun, and on the flip side, a lot of complaining about what has not worked out in the past. The question that always lurks somewhere in the back of my mind is, how do you know when the person you are with is the right fit? How do you know when to stop looking?

The answer hit me one day as I was taking a break from my 16-hour workday and watching The Simpsons. Marge was lying in bed beside Homer who suddenly suffered an extreme hunger pain. He winced and grabbed his bulging stomach and Marge calmly told him to reach beside him to the nightstand where she had prepared a peanut-butter sandwich for him “in case of emergency”. He looked up at her with doe eyes and asked, “with extra jelly?” “Of course, Homey” came the sweet reply. He gave her an emotionally loaded thank you kiss, commenting that that was what a partnership is all about, knowing who the other person is and just being there for them. “Yes it is Homey, yes it is.”

So there you have it, love according to Marge Simpson. Immediately after turning the show off, my mind went reeling into all of the failed relationships I myself have experienced, and the budding relationships I witness on a daily basis. The people in relationships that work all say the same thing, they function better together than they do apart. There is a wholeness that the couple experiences when acting as a team that they cannot achieve as an individual.

Which brings me to the topic of this month’s article: The Quest For Prince Charming. How do you know when you have already found him? For yet another Pop Culture T.V. reference, I would like to quote Kim Catrall’s character from “Sex And The City”. “You know you are in the wrong relationship when your face frowns more than it smiles.” Using that as a jumping off point, if you are finding that being with your partner leaves you generally unfulfilled or wishing there was more, I think it is safe to assume your couple is a mismatch. If however, you experience a general sense of peace and well being and you are attracted to your mate, just make sure you are both headed in the same direction in life, want the same things and your partnership will have a good chance of flourishing.

One thing I admire about the Europeans, they don’t all rush to be married. Indefinite cohabitation can sometimes reduce the pressure on the relationship, providing a sense of unity and at the same time allowing for individuality of each personality in the pair.

My mother always reminds me of this old fable. A guy is about to walk into a forest. Just before he enters the wood a short leprechaun stops him. The man in green says to the walker, “As you walk along your path, look for walking sticks. You may only choose one. Upon leaving the forest, you must hold in your hand the longest walking stick available in order to have the best life possible.” “Well”, the man tbinks, “this is simple!” He embarks upon the trail and sees stick after stick. Each time he thinks he has found the longest one, he then spots another further along and before he knows it, he has left the forest behind and is walking stick-less.

I think my mother’s point is that we have to be cautious in who we choose as our life partner, but not so cautious as to let the good ones pass us by. Be wary of not picking up any sticks or it may become too late. Keep your eyes open for the good people and then build something healthy. There is no white Stallion.

The West Coast Version of a New York Sex Goddess

A sex Goddess is “hot as hell, and she knows it,” according to “How to be a Sex Goddess” author Sarah Tomczak. “She’s the kind of girl who sashays down the street like she owns it, walking tall in her killer heels and classy threads. She loves her body, and she charms the socks off everyone she meets – guys will do literally anything to get with her.”

Have you ever wondered why an average looking woman can be considered a sexpot while a woman of obvious physical beauty can come across as a faded wallflower? The answer is quite simple: CONFIDENCE.

Having confidence in oneself is the sex goddess key. While it sounds simplistic and easy, becoming a confident person can take years, if not a lifetime. How can you be confident if you think your hips are too wide, your boobs are too small, the teeth are too far apart, the eyes too close together, hair too curly…well, you get it.

Given that nobody is perfect, we all have to come to a place of understanding that who we are is pretty damn good (pardon my language). This has very little to do with your facial features and everything to do with how you see yourself. When I lived in New York, it was fairly easy to be the best version of myself. The Gucci sunglasses, Prada bag, fancy car and name brand jeans helped get me into the swing of New York sex goddess life. However, that is not going to work here in Vancouver, where being real counts for more than having a real Louis Vuitton suitcase.

Thus I have had to re-invent the sex goddess persona in a West Coast format. Here are my recommendations on how to become a sex goddess in our gorgeous city:

Be proud to be yourself. Believe that you are smart, fun, capable, and people enjoy being around you. Just because you can’t do advanced calculus doesn’t make you thick, it only means you are good at other things! Find them and do them.
Be a trendsetter. Wear what flatters you, not what is “in”. Make sure your fanny agrees with the statement you are trying to get across. Although Lululemon is hot, you may not look hot in it. Find something that works for your figure and use it.
Create your own environment. The bar is only as high as you raise it. If you allow people around you to misbehave or say rude, unsophisticated things, you become the company you keep. If you ever so politely express your discomfort with, say, people who choose to burp in your presence, you will quickly see their behaviour become more respectful.
Don’t believe everything you hear. Other people’s opinions are just that, other people’s opinions. They are cheap and everybody has one. Your opinion must count most in your life. Treat life as blank canvass where every day you get the chance to add any colours you like. Do not accept a colour just because your mother likes it, or if all your friends use it. Always analyse comments from others before accepting them as your truth.
Find your own path. It might mean moving to a new city or trying a new career. Not everyone is meant to be married, not everyone is meant to have children, and not everyone is destined for a big career. Discover what you really want for yourself, and then make it happen.
Scare the heck out of yourself. This is a big one. Do something that you don’t think you can do, and you will believe in yourself even more once you accomplish it!

Substitute “flip-flops” for “killer heels” and “comfortable clothes” for “classy threads,” adopt these ideas in your own way, and you can become the West Coast equivalent of a New York sex goddess. It’s all about confidence girls, so go to it and get out there!

Social Etiquette for Dummies

Now, I am not claiming to be Emily Post here or anything but there are just some things that I see happening in Vancouver that make me feel ashamed at where evolution has landed us so far. Here is an example:

I was out at a party held at the Vancouver Club the other night. There was a huge crowd of partygoers, most people having a genuinely good time. At about 1am, a well-known journalist and I were talking over some cheesecake when a handsome man approached and broke into our conversation. “Hi, how are you?” he exclaimed to my journalist friend without so much as glancing in my direction. “I haven’t seen you in a while” he continued, still not bothering to mutter “excuse me for interrupting”. After a short speech about how pleased he was to see my companion, the fellow made the effort to see whose conversation he had barged into and realised that he recognised my face. Instead of the appropriate, “I apologise, how rude of me, don’t I recognise you from somewhere”, he continued right along talking to my friend and pretending that there was nobody else there. Finally, when Mr. Manners took a breath, I interjected by saying; “Hi, I’m Rachel. Perhaps you remember meeting me a few months ago at a restaurant?” To which he replied, “Oh yes, you own Campoverde, the social club in Kitsilano”. “Well”, I think, “now he is going to make up for being so incredibly rude”. But no. He performs the coup de grace. Turning once again to our local star reporter, he says, “Well, I am going to the bar to get a drink. Malcolm, may I get you one?” “No thanks” comes the reply as Malcolm, uncomfortable from the clear lack of social graces just displayed, sticks his head further into his plate.

Now listen, I am as fair as the next person for giving the benefit of the doubt. However, when manners are disregarded to such an extent, someone has got to do something about it. Here is an example of a harmless, cultural difference that led to someone being ostracized from a group. It is a clear display of cause and effect. I was in Amsterdam visiting a boyfriend, and a group of us decided to go out to the pub. The group was comprised of Argentineans, Peruvians, Continental Europeans, and some Brits who all spoke Spanish. Blair, a handsome American blonde, had just recently moved to Amsterdam and was invited out with the eclectic group of bankers, to get to know people. He arrived last and as such we all had our drinks in hand when he bustled in through the door. “Hey everyone! Thanks for inviting me along. I’m just going to the bar to get a drink and I’ll be right back,” he said as he moved towards the wood. Not only did this fellow enter and not shake everyone’s hand and kiss all of the girls on the cheek, he did the unthinkable.

The chatter that had been ubiquitous only seconds before vanished. Everyone stopped and stared after Blair. “Que cono” (what an asshole) exclaimed one of the charming Peruvians. “Nunca en mi vida he visto algo asi” (I have never seen anything like this in my life) exclaimed the well-travelled Brit. Basically, Blair had committed a colossal sin in the land of the gracious. Going to the bar without asking everyone in the group if they would like a top-up makes you a “cheap bastard” according to the general law of the international group. (That rule holds true for guys and girls by the way.)
I tried to explain that on our continent of North America it is socially acceptable to just, well, serve-yourself. They weren’t buying it. The group of sophisticates heard “self-serving” and cutie-pie Blair lost his first group of friends. The direct result of Blair’s lack of generosity resulted in his loss of a group of potential friends.

The proverbial bar is only as high as we hold it. If you accept that sort of behaviour, that is how you will be treated. The old, “ask and ye shall receive” comes to mind here. In the pouring rain, when you are going to a party or to dinner or to a movie (heaven forbid) with a date, and they don’t offer to drop you at the door, TELL THEM TO DO SO. Allow the men to feel like men, try not to usurp their spot in the hierarchy of socially acceptable behaviour. I am not saying that men have to pay for everything; in this world women are capable of holding their own. However, that does not mean that women are no longer feminine, graceful, charming, intelligent and vulnerable. Being looked after when out with male company, whether they are friends or more is simply part of the natural order of life.

Please, boys, take your natural place back. We don’t want it. Treat us like the ladies that you would like us to be. Be men. The five dollars you spend on the drink may not get you laid, but it will leave you feeling empowered and important and socially desirable. A worthy investment if you ask me.