Social Etiquette for Dummies

Now, I am not claiming to be Emily Post here or anything but there are just some things that I see happening in Vancouver that make me feel ashamed at where evolution has landed us so far. Here is an example:

I was out at a party held at the Vancouver Club the other night. There was a huge crowd of partygoers, most people having a genuinely good time. At about 1am, a well-known journalist and I were talking over some cheesecake when a handsome man approached and broke into our conversation. “Hi, how are you?” he exclaimed to my journalist friend without so much as glancing in my direction. “I haven’t seen you in a while” he continued, still not bothering to mutter “excuse me for interrupting”. After a short speech about how pleased he was to see my companion, the fellow made the effort to see whose conversation he had barged into and realised that he recognised my face. Instead of the appropriate, “I apologise, how rude of me, don’t I recognise you from somewhere”, he continued right along talking to my friend and pretending that there was nobody else there. Finally, when Mr. Manners took a breath, I interjected by saying; “Hi, I’m Rachel. Perhaps you remember meeting me a few months ago at a restaurant?” To which he replied, “Oh yes, you own Campoverde, the social club in Kitsilano”. “Well”, I think, “now he is going to make up for being so incredibly rude”. But no. He performs the coup de grace. Turning once again to our local star reporter, he says, “Well, I am going to the bar to get a drink. Malcolm, may I get you one?” “No thanks” comes the reply as Malcolm, uncomfortable from the clear lack of social graces just displayed, sticks his head further into his plate.

Now listen, I am as fair as the next person for giving the benefit of the doubt. However, when manners are disregarded to such an extent, someone has got to do something about it. Here is an example of a harmless, cultural difference that led to someone being ostracized from a group. It is a clear display of cause and effect. I was in Amsterdam visiting a boyfriend, and a group of us decided to go out to the pub. The group was comprised of Argentineans, Peruvians, Continental Europeans, and some Brits who all spoke Spanish. Blair, a handsome American blonde, had just recently moved to Amsterdam and was invited out with the eclectic group of bankers, to get to know people. He arrived last and as such we all had our drinks in hand when he bustled in through the door. “Hey everyone! Thanks for inviting me along. I’m just going to the bar to get a drink and I’ll be right back,” he said as he moved towards the wood. Not only did this fellow enter and not shake everyone’s hand and kiss all of the girls on the cheek, he did the unthinkable.

The chatter that had been ubiquitous only seconds before vanished. Everyone stopped and stared after Blair. “Que cono” (what an asshole) exclaimed one of the charming Peruvians. “Nunca en mi vida he visto algo asi” (I have never seen anything like this in my life) exclaimed the well-travelled Brit. Basically, Blair had committed a colossal sin in the land of the gracious. Going to the bar without asking everyone in the group if they would like a top-up makes you a “cheap bastard” according to the general law of the international group. (That rule holds true for guys and girls by the way.)
I tried to explain that on our continent of North America it is socially acceptable to just, well, serve-yourself. They weren’t buying it. The group of sophisticates heard “self-serving” and cutie-pie Blair lost his first group of friends. The direct result of Blair’s lack of generosity resulted in his loss of a group of potential friends.

The proverbial bar is only as high as we hold it. If you accept that sort of behaviour, that is how you will be treated. The old, “ask and ye shall receive” comes to mind here. In the pouring rain, when you are going to a party or to dinner or to a movie (heaven forbid) with a date, and they don’t offer to drop you at the door, TELL THEM TO DO SO. Allow the men to feel like men, try not to usurp their spot in the hierarchy of socially acceptable behaviour. I am not saying that men have to pay for everything; in this world women are capable of holding their own. However, that does not mean that women are no longer feminine, graceful, charming, intelligent and vulnerable. Being looked after when out with male company, whether they are friends or more is simply part of the natural order of life.

Please, boys, take your natural place back. We don’t want it. Treat us like the ladies that you would like us to be. Be men. The five dollars you spend on the drink may not get you laid, but it will leave you feeling empowered and important and socially desirable. A worthy investment if you ask me.